The First One.

Your kiss is blue
Just the first one is
I always miss you
But there's nothing quite like this
The feeling of seeing you after weeks
The feeling of falling again-
Our love is unique,
And that's to say the very least

Your hand in mine is like
Popcorn at the Movies
Legs intertwined when you do me
Distance gets confusing
But if there's one thing I'm not losing
It's you
It's you, It's what you do, You make it hard to keep my cool

Your lips are like
Walking through the city
Hot and frizzy but you tell me I'm pretty
Drunk and quoting without source
But you always keep me on course
Your lips are like home
They are the warmest love I have ever known
They are every miracle I have ever been shown
They are pressed on mine, not just through the good
But through the worst times

Your hand in mine is like
Sleeping in and making love on a Tuesday
A sweatpants and movie "me and you" day
"I can do better" is what you say
But "You make me happy when skies are grey"
And with you I know one day I'll be okay
It's you
It's what you do
Make it hard to keep my cool

20%

I lost a band to you.
I lost my inspiration with you.
I lost my mind when you left.
I lost you in your last breath.
And what do I have to hold on to?
A song I listen to on repeat
Because in my head its the last thing you did
When I can do nothing
To stop myself from picturing you
Falling asleep in a hazy room
My cat on your lap
Sunrise too soon
Grab the cigarettes and head out by noon
You always had work to do
And no one made plans like us
The things we would dream up
In cemeteries under blankets
With the warmth of alcohol
On our breath, visible
In the night air
Lit with nothing but the moon
And the occasional flash of a lighter
Against glass
Bare legs in the grass
So much of our time was spent speaking
Dreaming, awake and sleeping
Keeping warm against a tomb
As matches are sparked
Left and right
And I pour another cup
Wake up Snow White,
Wake up.

424...

I have not written in a really long time
A minute ago when I picked up this computer
I thought I had felt some sense of inspiration
Like maybe I could sit here and write my thoughts
My friend is dead
And I dont think about it unless something else is bothering me
I dont ever let myself think about it
To be honest, I dont think of her at all
I can't, I dont let myself
I say up all night trying not to think about anything
In particular and lets be completely real here
I dont have anything to say if Im not letting myself think
How can I write a poem if I wont let myself accept
What exactly my subject matter would be
I wrote poetry that was full of sorrow
Like I had known what sorrow was
As if I had ever experienced any real form of sorrow
And the worst part is I feel myself slipping
Who gets this mad about nothing?
Im not writing about fucking anything right now
This isnt a poem
This isnt prose
What the fuck is this?
This is the ramblings of a woman who is losing her mind.
I dont want to be an artist because I fell out of love with myself
And as I typed those words I realized
I fell out of love with myself
Its no wonder every person I have ever been with has also fallen out of love with me
I am a hollow husk of what I was
I was an artist
I had dreams
i have lost every bit of respect i had for myself
I dont care anymore
I dont care about anything
I have day dreams about things I know will never happen
I remember having hope
I remember the way Gabby made me feel
The way she made me remember who I really was
She thought I could do anything
But I thought she could too
And boy was I wrong
So the validity I had in my self
that was backed by her
Is dead
Because Gabbys dead
Gabbys dead.
My friend died.
Did I mention that yet?
Its all I ever think about when I let myself think
But I dont let myself think often so I dont think about it ever.

Most nights I stay up trying not to think.

221

To the desert I follow him
Bleeding heart in my hand
Cant let anyone know
Im bad for my man
Because he isnt really mine
And I dont care if it makes you all mad
If our being together drives you to the brink
Of insanity
Because maybe youll relate to me
Waiting two years or three
To finally be somebody
Cause if the stars align
And he belongs to me
Then ill finally know
How its tastes to be free
With his lips on my mouth
Searching for freedom in the clouds
Or just laying in a field with the
Water in the background
Birds in the sky,
one with bugs on the ground
And his eyes locked with mine
As I promise to stay the night

7311

1159

There's people breaking hearts
Across the empire state
Mothers trying to convince 
Daughters they're safe
Fathers helping sons
Plan their first dates
The wind creeping through
The shutters today 

With the cigarette smoke
I float to the left
Didn't want to say I knew
That I know me best
Til I put it to the test
But it's all apparent now
Searching for freedom 
Pound by pound 

I guess its good cause I can travel around
Going town to town making new sounds 
Listen to the stars
Watch the moon from the ground 
I don't know to what it amounts
But if freedom is all that counts 
Then I'm drowning in the clouds
Higher than the whole city

So if it's you and me 
That you really dont need
And if you love something
You should make it happy
Then there's nothing left
To do but for me to just leave 
Through the door Im going out 

Even though I know some day
That I'll prove you wrong 
The bird is in the cage
But she's singing a song 
I knew it all along 
My wings are all I need 
Only I can make me happy

1158

Do you want to lay with me
So we can watch the storm
Unfold as the skies destroy 
The ground with the lights 
Bouncing, purple off the windows 
While the lyricist blasts his
Constant philosophy in my ears
Crying about some road where 
His lost lover lived and they
At some point kissed at a 
Moment just like this 
Legs soaking, but wrapping Together as lips press and
Maybe she was crying or 
That was just the clouds
Watching something so 
Instinctually beautiful as
A mouth on a mouth 
Three lights bouncing
In the distance like 
Lonely sailors on the sea 
Watching stars with loved
Wives waiting 
And there's a kid here who 
Tells me about the universe
The government, and the power of symmetry, like an artist with 
A brush he paints galaxies in front of me, from almost nothing
And here I am thinking on a level
Wider than names and faces 
Beyond continents and places 
This beat is the very essence of
My being, like rhythm
Pouring from heaven
If there were to be such a thing
I suppose I would find it here
Or in cassadega
Where they all went too 
While that tree in the distance 
Gets further still 
"I can travel now you know"
She said as if picking
A thorn from her shoe 
Flicked her cigarette,
Spit and walked away
Let that burning ember 
In the grass stay
Because if one of us has to go
Say good bye to me today

1205

I dont have emotions
Emotions are for
Shit artists
Who paint lines with razor blades on mirrors
Emotions are for women who feel
The weight of the world in their hearts
But have nothing in their heads
Irrational, fleeting, love is nothing but beating
Your own soul down
We come in alone and sobbing
We leave solitarily weeping
Lost lands, lips, hands, hips and words
I wont waste on you
When I breathe my last breath
Let the emptiness linger like dew
Because Im already dead
When it comes to you

My Roommate On Break Ups

"Matt I swear to god, if you friendship break up with Desiree right now, I will pin you down with my legs, and force the bong water down your throat. The anger flowing in my blood will give me the strength of one thousand men."

4099

Remember when you used to
Love me like rain on a day
That you wanted to go out
Pouring from the sky
So you never leave the house
You used to love me like
Ink pours from a pen
Like lines flow from my head
You used to love me like
Fog on glass, when finger prints
Make hearts, what will you do
When you see the hearts I've
Left imprinted on your car
When you hear the songs I
Wrote just to get you along
When I reach over in the
Middle of the night and
Grab nothing but air
Thats when I know you'll
Want me there
I miss you
Of course
If I didn't that'd be stupid
I'll survive
Of course
I'm not what you make of me
I'm not this weakness
You think I might be
So go ahead
Give up
Just leave
When 2 am hits
And you still cant sleep
Roll over in bed
Reach for me

104

Tooty baby
Come home
I know we didn't match
But I thought we were happy
I feel lied to baby
Duck ponds, whole towns
Malls, stores, beds-
comfort
Lost to you
I told myself this would never happen
I hope I don't fall down that road again
Oh just leave because youre afraid of some addiction
One that didn't even exist yet
yet
No I won't prove you right
Because you weren't
You lost sight
Thought you were dealing with another mind
And I kept saying I was sick of stagnancy
But god damn I am so lonely

1259 wake up write.

What if no one else
Ever loves me as much
As you did when you
Faked it
Did you fake it?
Or did you just fall out
You felt it a little this morning
But I bet you still feel relieved
I guess it's better
I shouldn't want some one
Who doesn't want me
I think at this point
I'm done hurting
I won't ever let
Another man
Do this
To me

1037

I have no idea how I feel
Actually, yes I do
I miss you, but you're relieved
I guess I am too, in a way where
I completely and utterly need you
Need? You said you're not going to leave
Friends? I guess, because I can't have you gone
Completely comforted when she said
"You never leave your exes in the past,
they're still your friends from a different time."

4-30-12 1153

Should i put you on the list of those lost?
It's longer than those who remain
Yours and Lucy's names look so elegant aligned
Like the white on the fence of the yard you want one day
No sleep til' Brooklyn, with you-
So it looks like I'll never see rest again
Not that I was ever too fond of closing my eyes,
As if I were to miss something
Now I wish I had woken earlier
Or that you had stayed up later
One more hour
One more minute
One more kiss
One more moment like this
You in my arms forever
Until the day you fell
Out of love with me
With no one else to fall to
And you don't know what
You want to do
As long as it's not with me
You'll be free, safe, secure
I'll be the same, scared, unsure
You made me promise, you know
That if you forgave me,
I would be forever
I guess since you didn't promise back
(Except for when you did)
That you didn't have to pull the slack
But I wish that you did
I'm sorry for almost every time I yelled
And for taking away Beast and Belle
Or whatever it is you want to call us
With the ever-ringing chorus sing
"I thought, I thought, it was meant to be"

1029

Remember when shit was easy
When the mere sight of you
Didn't make my knees
Weak and my stomach queezy
When I was happy
Oh wait- thats a lie
But I was content
And now its like
Youre on another continent
Too far to make me
Feel safe like you
Usually do
Only you could do

212

You call when
I Have nothing at all
Left to give
When I'm spent 
From seeking love
Or some physical equivalent
In all the wrong places 
By anything but accident
I have a horrible habit
Or six
And I fall for friends
Like it's my business
I no longer care 
For matters of the heart
Just what happens between 
Closed lids and shut blinds 
Ill never own a single
Thing that I want for mine 
Just what happens between
Wrapped legs and 
crossed fingers
Don't let them hear 
You whisper
I can't bear to hurt again
So I'll back down from this event
At least until I know I can

1252

oh no its happening again
just want to pull you in
i dont know why every
so often i need you
i feel my feet point toward you
my body near you
stop
oh no i thought of it again
and you went and lead me in
i mean maybe i could
if you would
you wouldnt
stop
dont stop just come on
and we could still be friends
no lies, just love
ill play it again
what ever you want to listen
listen to you breathe
see the veins in your skin
youre never watching
or are you
do you notice
stop
oh no its happening again

Reservations

I'll reserve you
Until you're mine
Won't give my heart
Up until it's time
When I can finally
Give you everything
I want to
When I can tell you
How much I love you
I do
Or when I realize- 
If it happens first
That everything you
Said was for the benefit
Of some verse
For some lines the public will never hear you spit 
All I want is to be your girl
All you want is the whole world

137

You're lonely.
It came to me one night
when I was too
I never thought
that would ever be,
No, not you-
Not lonely
While you stir up
nothing at the bar
glance at the phone
wonder where they are
I stifle back a laugh
"You're lonely."
As it hits me
but it doesn't break my fantasy
You're still my dream
Even being so flawed
so human, which I know you are not-
as to be lonely

202

baby are you up at night 

thinking maybe wondering

"is she all alone or is he up 

behind her holding tight" 

or is it just something

you only think of when youre faded 

when youve had enough of complicated

situations, when your own town brings you down 

do you ever hear the perfect line

that makes you want to go back in time 

take the distance and put nothing between us

damn i think i think too much 

like when i send you photos

and i wonder if you smile 

if you sit back in your chair and laugh

bring it up to friends and brag

do you hold it for your own eyes 

keep it secret, feed me lines  

im simply sick of all i have to say 

but youre far for another day 

month, week, year

time means nothing when its passing here

time means nothing

when its passing

here