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I lost a band to you.
I lost my inspiration with you.
I lost my mind when you left.
I lost you in your last breath.
And what do I have to hold on to?
A song I listen to on repeat
Because in my head its the last thing you did
When I can do nothing
To stop myself from picturing you
Falling asleep in a hazy room
My cat on your lap
Sunrise too soon
Grab the cigarettes and head out by noon
You always had work to do
And no one made plans like us
The things we would dream up
In cemeteries under blankets
With the warmth of alcohol
On our breath, visible
In the night air
Lit with nothing but the moon
And the occasional flash of a lighter
Against glass
Bare legs in the grass
So much of our time was spent speaking
Dreaming, awake and sleeping
Keeping warm against a tomb
As matches are sparked
Left and right
And I pour another cup
Wake up Snow White,
Wake up.

424...

I have not written in a really long time
A minute ago when I picked up this computer
I thought I had felt some sense of inspiration
Like maybe I could sit here and write my thoughts
My friend is dead
And I dont think about it unless something else is bothering me
I dont ever let myself think about it
To be honest, I dont think of her at all
I can't, I dont let myself
I say up all night trying not to think about anything
In particular and lets be completely real here
I dont have anything to say if Im not letting myself think
How can I write a poem if I wont let myself accept
What exactly my subject matter would be
I wrote poetry that was full of sorrow
Like I had known what sorrow was
As if I had ever experienced any real form of sorrow
And the worst part is I feel myself slipping
Who gets this mad about nothing?
Im not writing about fucking anything right now
This isnt a poem
This isnt prose
What the fuck is this?
This is the ramblings of a woman who is losing her mind.
I dont want to be an artist because I fell out of love with myself
And as I typed those words I realized
I fell out of love with myself
Its no wonder every person I have ever been with has also fallen out of love with me
I am a hollow husk of what I was
I was an artist
I had dreams
i have lost every bit of respect i had for myself
I dont care anymore
I dont care about anything
I have day dreams about things I know will never happen
I remember having hope
I remember the way Gabby made me feel
The way she made me remember who I really was
She thought I could do anything
But I thought she could too
And boy was I wrong
So the validity I had in my self
that was backed by her
Is dead
Because Gabbys dead
Gabbys dead.
My friend died.
Did I mention that yet?
Its all I ever think about when I let myself think
But I dont let myself think often so I dont think about it ever.

Most nights I stay up trying not to think.