had i known
how quickly you
would be gone,
i would not
have slept away
any of the hours
in the day
just so i could
spend more time
with you
had i known
i would have
faced deprivation hallucinations
and eventually death
from the hours
weeks
days on end
i would have given up sanity
had i known
you would be gone
so so quickly
i would have taken
back every word i said
i would have sent
every letter i never sent
given you every flower i picked
and made you mine
even for a short time
had i known

i have to hold myself back
from falling for you
fair skin
fair hair
bright eyes
its the tone of your voice i think
when it gets high up
and you squeal with excitement
the sheer happiness painted on your face
i want to be the reason
but i wont
i will sit back
and day dream
while you sing and you scream
and you surprise me with your everything

anniversary

You should have just asked
You were all I ever wanted
Phone calls past four in the
Morning when the sun is just
About to rise and I am finally
Closing my eyes
And I romanticize- I day dream
Or at this point I just plain dream
That you rang because your
Falling asleep thoughts
Let you think your way over
To me

You could have just asked
You were all I ever wanted
Still at any distance
I would go any distance
From point a to b
To c and z
I would follow or lead
Or think these awful things
Because in truth
We are platonic
You and I, I suppose
If one were to put us on paper
But I've got all these dreams
And you still take her
To your room to sleep
Or maybe you finish up
And have her leave

You wouldn't do that to me
I wish you had just asked
You were all I ever wanted
And I don't know what you are now
Or who you have become
Or even if that someone is different
From the someone I guess I loved
You suggest summer
And I accept nonchalantly
While my insides rise and I
Am sick to my stomach
But my heart can not stop beating to rest
I think about how you disgust me
And how I want to rip your heart from your chest

nineteen
and your eyes gleam
i miss you
but you dont notice
and i dont need to
know where you are
tonight, tomorrow, the day
after, you never stay long enough
to leave in the morning
I want to cook you dinner
and make you smile
you want to lead me on
for the longest while
you wont talk if
you dont want me
and you stopped
so i know
and you have her
so i let go
but i dont
and i still wish to move
half way around the world
to be with you
pull the pillow over my head
no reason to get out of bed
i dont want to finish this poem.

you'll come back
i know you will
thats  a lie
to the tap tap tap
of the key board
as i find him attractive
and lose interest
to the thump
of the bass drum
of the funk band
that played
while the sweating
singer screamed
until the veins
began to pop
from his forehead
thoughts pulsing
through the blood
pumping, fists
in the air you scream

she'll come back
i know she wont
i've gone free verse
i've gone automatic
writing give me marijuana
trails with trees that
bend over for a good time
tables riddled with letters
from years before
from yesterday
from an hour ago as
that girl sat with her
pink bag and her
grey hat and i made
you up didnt i


you never existed
i know you did
you break my reality
i made you
you are eternal
you are insignificant
you are everything
nothing something
breathing on my neck
in the middle of the night
or is it morning

you wont come home
i have accepted this
you will come home
i have not.

youre gone forever arent you.